So I've been in a relationship for a little while now, and I'm very worried that I'm going to sabotage this relationship because of my problems. I don't feel like I'm connecting with my boyfriend at the level I really want to. Our interactions are shallow at best, and he's been trying really hard to get to know me better, but I never let the conversations get much past small talk. It's not that I don't like him in a romantic way, I just can't seem to trust him enough to open up emotionally.

I have a very hard time connecting with other people, and I rarely notice my own positive emotions, so I have become very pessimistic when it comes to relationships. Every time someone approaches me to be even just a friend, let alone for a romantic relationship, I subconsciously start to prepare myself for them to leave me. I find myself testing them to see whether or not they'll leave, and without fail they always do.

I've been very on-edge around my boyfriend lately, since I've started to think more and more about how he would react if I tested him the same way I'd test others. I often find myself getting angry with him because he took too long to contact me, or he ignored something I said, and I start to think that he's the one with the problem, or that he doesn't care about me. I'm worried that I might deliberately start a fight with him just to see what happens. That's all I can think about these days, so I've been trying to avoid talking too much with him so as not to start anything. He's started to notice that I've been distant, and he has been asking about it, but I don't know how to explain it to him. He doesn't know about my anxiety or self esteem issues, and I don't know how or if I should talk with him about it.

Any advice?