I really don't like your wife's suggestions that these issues are "your" problem. My father was a philanderer who always made my mother think that she was imagining things, being paranoid, not trusting him enough. It was always her fault.

When I first read your post, I read the paragraphs out of order. I saw the title, saw the description of the incident at the chiropractor, and thought, yeah, it sounds like you have some trust issues -- then I skipped back up to the part about her infidelities and thought, OH.

I just reread it again and realized I missed the part about how she spent the night in the hotel with you when she was still married, and her husband knew where she was because she had stayed there so often in the past!!

Your wife has been untrustworthy on multiple occasions. You have trouble trusting her now because of her behavior. That's not just you with some kind of mental issue. She helped create that situation. If you don't trust someone because your trust has been broken in the past, it's not just your problem. The only part of this that is "yours alone" is your possible attraction to women who are not faithful.

And you are right - she can't live under a microscope and you can't be happily married to someone you don't trust.

It is entirely possible that your wife has been faithful since the incidents you mention above. You are there, I'm not. The 'evidence' you have right now (bra left out at massage, attending conferences) is pretty weak -- but based on her history, I would not dare say that your mind is playing tricks on you. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't.

I hope talking this out with a therapist works for you, and I hope that your wife will consent to the couples therapy as well.

I just checked my bottle of Astroglide that expired in 2010 -- it hasn't evaporated.