I'm new to this forum so I hope I am opening this thread in the right section. Part of the problem has to do with my gender expression and identity but I will touch more on that in another section, where it fits more.

First, to give you an idea about my situation, I have just turned 27 in late June, I live in the East European country of Romania(no, we're not in any way Russians btw, or gypsies), in its capital city. I was biologically born female and I have always felt like a heterosexual woman when it comes to everything sexual/romantic. Other than that, I am probably best described by the non-binary gender identity, with that female side and a very strong male side that demands to come out and naturally comes out through my preference in masculine clothes, haircuts and through my more masculine demeanor. I've been like this since a small age, I never faked it and I can't be someone I'm not.

Having said that, we can move on to the social/relationships part. I'm a tad introverted, made a bit worse by what my therapist calls a mild case of social anxiety and lack of social experience. My different style of clothing and boyish attitude was made worse by being overweight starting with the age of 12-13 and quite a bit overweight in highschool(not dramatically but definitely more than just a bit chubby). As you can imagine, I was made fun of, not as much as I could have been because I wasn't a doormat and people actually thought I was a decent person with a sense of humor, but definitely called names, apparently a lot behind my back, due to my appearance. I never felt like I really belonged in any group and in high school I had only one friend, my deskmate, who became a family friend through his mother. I spent most of my time , outside school, alone in my room, walking alone, going to the movies alone or with my mother.

In university, of course I was the same way, a young adult now, who could only feel like staying quiet and minding her own business because nobody would like her anyway. Also in university, unrequitted love, the 2nd one, ended up making me quite depressed and finally all my unhappiness ,my unmet emotional needs, my loneliness and mild abandonment issues(my father was not around that much and he died when I was 14) caught up with me on the surface.

3 years ago, after the last year of university and throughout the Masters course, I started losing the weight and for about a year I've been pretty average in weight, on the upper side of average/a couple of extra kg's. In fact ,right now, I weigh 4kg's less than my height ,I walk a lot, I started jogging or using the elliptical.

During the Masters I got a little better in that I made 2 friends. One I met online and one from the Masters course, she initiated it. Sadly, the one from the Masters is now permanently living abroad and quite busy so we rarely talk anymore. Recently I made a new friend online ,who lives in the same neighborhood so there's that.

So, the point is, I have no real social circle and no real experience. I don't know where to meet people, in a city/country where sites like meetup.com are not popular(most meetings there are for expats or professionals in some field)and it's very hard to find social events that fit my interests(I don't like clubs and that sort of social scene).

Another thing is that I am not the type that can go up to a stranger and strike up a conversation, that is where my social anxiety pops up and my introversion as well. I do ok if someone talks to me or if it's a thing like a boardgame night or something, you know, where the event is such that it automatically gets people to interact. First impressions, I reckon, are not my strong point. Regardless of how much I may try, introversion and social awkwardness will rear their ugly heads in very subtle ways that I usually really cannot control, nothing major but they induce that sort of repressed, very self conscious state where I'm not relaxed and I can't be spontaneous or really bubbly. There's nothing specific that I do but I suspect the vibes are sent regardless. On top of that, because of my gender expression and style, I fear that I am perceived as invisible at best by men.

This is a huge problem for me. All my life I've gotten no positivity and certainly no tangible ,real proof that I too can be attractive, as I am, that I can stand a chance with the man of my choice or any man for that matter.
I go out of the house and see no one like me, there's no one like me in culture in general, it's like I don't exist and certainly there's no one like me presented in any sort of attractive manner. As a fat, mannish teenager , I've been mocked and made to feel invalid and desexualized in many ways, directly or indirectly. Now, since losing weight, it's just my manner of being. No man has ever been attracted to me, they've made fun of me in the past but I never received any compliment, any smiles, anything. The most I could ever be was one of the guys.

A year ago, I made an account on a major dating site. I've had no success, it's mostly just creepy arab or african men who message me(I have nothing against Arabic or African men, I've in fact been to many Arabic countries and I find most people to be quite nice) ,probably looking for a link to the European Union or something. Other than that, I've actually gotten 3-4 messages from random men who just had to tell me I look like a boy and should change my pictures or let my hair grow ,etc.

I've been alone all my life so far, never even been on a date, I've known no physical and emotional intimacy, no meaningful, substantial touch, let alone any affection and that comes to complete a lonely childhood and teenage years stained with loss as well.

I don't suffer from chronic depression, my social anxiety is mild and I have long come to terms with my gender identity, but being so alone and so devoid of touch ,of connection, of intimacy is destroying me. I don't know if anyone can understand how it's like to have never had anything to quench that thirst, that need for all those things, no one apart from my therapist takes me seriously, but my suffering is real and my needs are real as well but I don't know how to fix my situation.

How do I meet people? How do I meet men? Do I even stand a chance? A 27 year old with no experience, a tad broken, who needs to be treated with patience and understanding because I even need to learn how to enjoy the touch I need so much, I need to learn to send signals, I need to be helped to feel like a valid sexual being through the eyes of others, it doesn't matter how sexual I am inside, my view of myself, if that makes sense. Can I even be loved with all these things on the surface that just need a little nurturing? If I were a "normal" looking woman, stereotypically speaking, who dressed in the appropriate clothes, wore make up and had a feminine demeanor ,if I also looked a bit better , maybe it would make me seem worth it, maybe it would compensate, but this way, I really fear that in the eyes of society ,of men in general, my potential is unrecognizable.

I don't want to die without ever experiencing intimacy, without ever experiencing a connection, without feeling touch, without knowing what a kiss feels like and how it's like for someone to look at me with some degree of affection and desire. I don't want to die like that and I don't want to waste anymore of my time on this earth, of my remaining youth ,like this. There's also the fact that there's so much love and passion in me to give and I always feel like nobody wants it, certainly no one ever did before.

But how do you meet someone with no help at all and with these set backs, when you're behind in social experience and you've been put down your entire life? With some experience, I would learn and I would get better but there's only so much you can force without experience or anything realistic and tangible to give some hope, some confidence. I hate that I have no helpful friends, that I don't mean more to more people ,because I know that the best way to broaden your social circle is through people you already know, through friends of friends or going to different things with friends and so on.

I hope I wasn't too boring or annoying, people usually don't take me seriously because I think they don't understand my needs and the ramifications of everything one feels and experiences, maybe also cause they don't care enough, I don't know. Here I feel somewhat more comfortable opening up though. However, I know this has been a very long and whiny post, I thank anyone and everyone who reads this to the end!