(((((((((((madmusician)))))))))))))) I know it's hard, but I really think you need to reach out. I'm sorry you're hurting so much right now. If you need medical attention, PLEASE get it.

It isn't inevitable people will hurt you, because not everyone will. It just seems we attract some really bad people sometimes.

Please be safe and take care of yourself. Please take at the list of the alternate ways to cope with SI in that forum. Try any one of those strategies, they might be able to help.