Hi, i have found this site very helpful, so i feel encouraged to write some more about my issues hoping in some insight.

I am confused and obsessed by this question: deep down, am i wanting or not wanting relationships?

I think i am a loner who often feels lonely. I blame the lack of friendships, good family interactions and especially "the love of my life" for my unhappiness and depression.

i keep telling myself that if only i had more friends i could enjoy life more. that if only my family would understand me i'd feel better. that if only i could find a boyfriend/husband i'd have all i could possible want. i'd have achieved my biggest dream.

in my mind relationships are the only thing that gives purpose, meaning, happiness. and i do make one little step to be more open to relationships, interactions with others and meet new people. not often but i do it.

yet,

when people get a little bit closer i feel like running away and i keep the distance.
when my family tries to have a dialogue with me i shut down.
when i see the littlest chance of having a boyfriend i feel suffocated and annoyed by him and turn down any guy who tries to approach me.
when i look at the relationships i've had and have i dont find them rewarding or myself enjoying them much. most of the times i am bored, annoyed and they feel more like a duty.

so it doesnt seem like my feelings want what it seems my mind wants. who is right and who is wrong?

do i have to accept that probably i think i want relationships because everybody does but deep down i am not a relationships type? or should i blame fear of intimacy, social fobia (diasgnosed), past CSA or something like this that stops me from getting what i want?

Please, i would really much appreciate any insight.
Thank you. and thanks for reading.