Eleven years ago my marriage of 20 years was falling apart. My husband, David, and I were always deeply connected on a soul level, but his untreated OCD/anxiety/major sleep issues were destroying his relationships with me and with our two children. I begged (really pleaded for) David to join me in therapy and to go to therapy himself (he's a Vietnam vet, so receives free treatment). He refused, even though we both knew our marriage was ending. (btw, my husband is sixteen years older than I am and the generational difference was something of an issue, though that itself would not have ended our marriage.)

I met a man, John, near my age (a few years younger). He was working when I met him. John had never been married or had children, but very much wanted to have a family. He was drinking quite heavily when we met (I have never been a drinker). We had loads of fun together, whatever we did...a walk, a movie, just hanging out...we had so much fun. It was as though we were instantly great friends. I felt for the first time in my life that I wasn't burdened with only with responsibilities, but very little fun. I had always been a very responsible daughter, wife, and mother. John and I started having an affair. I told my husband what was going on. He seemed too far gone to care. I continued to take care of our children and the household responsibilities while seeing John.

A year or so went by, John pretty much stopped drinking (his health was being affected by the drinking). I was glad he stopped drinking because I couldn't see anything good coming from the booze. At about this time my husband's parents moved into a retirement community. My husband and I decided that it would be best if he were to move to his family's home (in a town about 20 miles from where I live). Our children (both teens) and I remained living in the rental we'd lived in for some years. David and I remained dear friends, but the marriage ended when he moved away. John moved into my home.

It seemed to me that as soon as John moved in with me things began to decline. He landed a really decent job, which was good, but we didn't have much time together anymore. Meanwhile, my children grew up, went to college, moved out, and so on. I felt the sting of empty nest severely...I couldn't (still can't) seem to get over the loss of having my family living with me - even though my now-adult children are doing very well and I am extremely proud of them.

Through some very unfortunate circumstances, John's good job ended (his boss closed the business). John was hired at another job a short time later, but was fired after three months. Then the extreme economic depression hit. John couldn't find a job, and he stopped looking for a job.

John and I have lived together for about 11 years. I have gotten older. I have gained weight. (When we met I was quite youthful and thin and really attractive...now I'm a "normal" 51 year old woman.) It has been five years since John has worked. David and I support ourselves and we support John. I feel bitter about it...it seems to me that either John could get some kind of employment, could go to school (he has a number of talents he could use to acquire a vocational degree), or - at the very least- keep the house clean and pleasant. Over the years John and I have had some pretty vicious arguments and with every one it seems our relationship eroded. At this point, I am very angry - feel very used - because John doesn't contribute money to the home, nor does he make much effort to clean up the house.

For John's part, he says I've become negative, irritable, pessimistic, and he is angry because we don't have sex. I tell him that he is very moody, mad at life, and angry at me because I have aged and am not the "trophy girlfriend" I was. On the rare occasion he and I go somewhere (i.e., the grocery store) John grumbles and pouts and avoids me as much as possible.

In the meantime, David and I are taking full responsibility for paying the bills and rent, for buying food for John and I - he does cook dinner, which is one thing I really appreciate. Since David and I have an agreement with regard to our relationship, I would like John and I to live together like a loving couple. John, however, frequently brings up old arguments, things I said (for example, family and friends warned me about John, said really negative things about him, and when I told him that - I now accept that was a huge mistake - he only blamed me and said I was making things up...I wasn't...wish I was!!).

John can't or won't let go of old arguments and he says I'm very unpleasant to be around. My feeling is that I was extremely naive when I met John, had no idea of how rough life could be, and I cannot understand how John can't understand the reasons for my unhappiness.

I'm posting this because I would deeply appreciate some feedback. I know it's easy to be judgmental (David and I are legally married, etc.) - but keep in mind that there were never secrets. All the way along everything has been out in the open.
Thank you~