Hello Chartres,

I can respond properly now.
I think it's great that you are also tackling this one. If you want to hash any of it out, I am available as someone who gets it, and appears to have dealt with it (although I hesitate, as it has been under a week).

I also had what I thought was a sexual attraction to my therapist, and that I was trying to rebel against the (perceived) power differential was also the conclusion I came to. I only ever thought of him when I wasn't in his presence, and he never actually featured in any sexual fantasies, it was just feelings I had when I was between appointments, until I figured out what was really going on. Therapists are seductive by default, because they often represent the relationship we never had with a parent, I believe.

You seem to have a clear idea of what your fantasies mean, it's really good you have been willing to really go there with yourself and face them. The third one you mention indicates a lack of voice to me - you talk about being raped, and then you are raped by someone you've just told about being raped (or that you trust), perhaps a kind of reenactment - there is also the sense that offering your body sexually is how to show appreciation to someone showing care. I think a lot of ASF also serve to absolve us from sexual pleasure, as if we are too ashamed to just enjoy it, so it must hurt, or be deviant, to be OK to have.

It certainly appears that you are working out a lot of your trauma though your fantasies. However, if they are not serving you any more, it might be a good time to talk to your therapist about them.