Quote:
Originally Posted by Travelinglady
How about getting out to social events? Check the newspaper for what's happening in your area. Go to where people are, especially people with interests like your own.
Think of some opening remarks. If need be, then write them on a sheet of paper and talk to the mirror. People are almost always interested in talking about themselves.
The main thing is not staying at home, as my therapist told me one time. 
You can practice "talking" to us here if you would like.  |
That is what I was saying, that I have a problem with even just finding social events where I could fit and have any sort of success. This is not the US or UK or other major countries in Europe, most people my age and lower just go to clubs and go drinking or go out with their already established friends. To get an idea, there isn't even much option for speed dating, there is only one singles events organizer that really does speed dating and it's pretty small scale, as opposed to other countries.
I don't want to stay inside or go to place alone and just sit at a table but for someone who doesn't like partying and loud music and getting drunk, who likes to have intelligent conversations about the world ,about history, stuff like that, there's not much on offer. I'm sort of geeky cause I watch a lot of tv shows and I'm into sci-fi but I'm not hardcore and there's one comic-con once a year here. I'm also not artistically endowed, I don't write, I don't draw, I'm not a "photographer", I don't play music, I can't sing or dance.
Also, it's not that I don't know all these theoretical things about how one talks to people, it's that I physically cannot start a conversation or approach someone or a group of people I do not know or that I barely know. That's where most of my social anxiety lies and even if I force myself, it doesn't go well or last because just physically forcing myself to say something doesn't make it a successful interaction, I'm still not really myself, it's hard to say anything.
When I first went to a boardgame night, for ex, I could barely say a few sentences all night and I was aware of this and I tried forcing myself but the words just wouldn't come out and my sense of humor also didn't come out,I couldn't say what I was thinking. I played, I had fun but... After a couple of times of going there, I got a lot better but when all is based on just first impressions, you don't get a second chance like you get when u just go to a boardgame night that u can choose to go to again and again. When u meet someone or go to a different social event, with strangers, you're likely never going to see them again so that first encounter is all you're getting. If I appear ugly just because I'm not conventional, then what are my chances.
Quote:
Originally Posted by namastewoman
I was born female and look female, but when I join dating websites, I get creepy African American men or elderly White men emailing me. I'm black, so I am not prejudice, but I'd like to meet someone I actually have something in common with, no people that are really shallow and could potentially re-traumatize me.
I have no solutions, but I do have a plan. I have decided to give up the online dating sites because they are no longer a safe place for shy people to go and meet others. I feel like sex freaks have taken over and use it as though it is a red light district. This is very offensive. There is another dating website that has online access but also hosts local events but it costs money each month. when I am in a better financial position, I plan to join this group and participate in the social events.
In our country, we also have online social networks called Meetup. I don't know if you have it in Romania, but it would be worth a quick Google.
I used to live in California and I met a better caliber of people at group therapy and support groups. We all knew each other's diagnoses and problems and the friendships developed felt more natural. I have moved to Missouri and have yet to find an appropriate group therapy or support group for people with mental health issues. Please find one in your area or ask your doctor to refer you to one. It really is the best place to meet new friends.
If I were in your neighbrhood, I would be your friend. I would hang out with you and and I hope that is enough to get you to give others a chance to spend time with you. There are so many of us out here hurting that sharing your story might be just what someone else needed to hear. You are not alone. Reach out locally and you will surprised who says, "Me, too!"  |
Well, that's the thing, I know about the Meetup site and there are some meetup groups here but they are very few and most of them are for expats, the rest are mostly for professionals in some IT or Marketing related fields, there's just one that is more general and active but I didn't manage to go to any of the events yet because they took place when I had to attend to other things.
I couldn't even find a forum for non binary people or for depressed people or whatever, local based I mean.
It looks so impossible to me right now, here, to meet people at 27 with no social circle to help. It's very easy for people to just say "get over your introversion" or "just go talk to people" or "control your anxiety" but we both know it's not actually easy or even possible to do, certainly not all the time and in every circumstance.
The only option I seem to have left is speed dating but there's just one speed dating organizer and they are small events. I know the woman in charge of them ,I went to one 3 weeks ago but there was no one I found the least bit attractive, it's not a popular thing here. Besides, after a couple of beers, I can talk and seem a tad less nervous but I never learned to send any signals ,anything to indicate I am a sexual being, to flirt. With men, even the men I am not attracted to, I cannot help but feel tiny, tiny and like I am on the bottom of the barrel ,the lowest of the low, like even the slimiest, most desperate, hideous creep is above my class. I don't think I am particularly ugly or anything, I just think that the world sees me that way, that men see me that way, because of my gender expression and not being naturally gorgeous enough to counter it. All that love was for me so far was pain, a lonely, painful thing and the few times I was attracted to men they never were to me, no one ever was so how am I supposed to feel differently, to feel I have a chance ,when there was not one moment in my life when I was even an option for someone? I feel so absolutely invalidated and desexualized and just so alone. This lack of touch is a major issue and such a constant that even my therapist worries about it but he can't find me a man , he can't get me what I need.
It hurts that even on dating sites there's just no interest. Sure, most of the men in my country I find rather unattractive, they are definitely not my type. When I travel to the West, I see tens of attractive men every single day on the street, I guess I like the more germanic/english types , but regardless of what I like , no one likes me, I feel I have no choice.
Last year I tried a language course, for a month, in Germany. I liked a guy there, an American, perfectly single too and with a degree in history of all things(which is my big hobby). We got along great but he wasn't attracted to me and life chose to really slap me over the face with it by having him like another woman there who was 10x more introverted than me, who he would have never even talked to if it hadn't been for me(she was in my class and I took him with us two on a day trip to Prague). She wasn't even pretty.
When I go abroad ,it makes me sad when I walk on the street and I see attractive men and can't help but think that they would never feel anything for me. Also, I actually really like middle aged men, not creepy ,decrepit old men but a nice, mature middle aged man is the most attractive one in my eyes.
My therapist doesn't do group therapy and therapy in general here is just emerging as a more normal thing so there's plenty of therapists you really can't trust. I personally know the mother of a former colleague from high school, who went to study psychology and is now a fully certified psychologist and ,bless her, she's a great person but she is terrible at this, there's a lot of universities that offer completely legal courses but the level is low and exams passed too easily.
For a year now, I've become absolutely terrified, to the point where I get very anxious about it, that I'll die without even having one kiss in my life, without ever experiencing human contact, without ever feeling sexy to someone, wanted, desired, without anyone ever wanting what I have to offer, without being loved, ever for a short while. I don't want marriage, I don't want children, I don't expect to find THE ONE soulmate or have relationships that never end, I'm not unrealistic but I need to connect, I need intimacy, I need touch and affection, I can't help that and I don't want to die without it.
I'm sorry for all this whining, it must be terribly annoying and I write a lot but I don't have anyone to really understand me or help me outside my one hour of therapy every two weeks.