maybe it is partly about a concern that your father isn't able to hold / accept some of your stronger feelings. that he isn't able to face his weaknesses and the like without it destroying him.

i've heard (take with a grain of salt) that the borderline dilemma arises from significant difficulty with the mother so that the person turns to their father but... the father is emotionally unavailable.

you said that you were close to your father. but i wonder how much of what was going on for you that you could actually share with him. i was always scared about hurting or destroying my father. i worried that i was too much for him to cope with i worried that he wouldn't know what to do with me. i worried that he would abandon me (which he did at any rate). i worried that he wouldn't be able to face up to some of his weaknesses (which i've realised in later years is a very real concern as he simply cannot face them).

i wonder if that has resulted in your attempting to be the 'good client' in order to have your therapists love and i wonder if that results in your not disclosing certain things for fear that he will be unable to cope / will abandon you.

i guess time is the answer. and taking little risks with disclosures. in my experience... there aren't many people in the world who seem to be able to respond to some of my intensities appropriately (without reacting from their insecurities) so my caution is well placed. but it might well be that there are many more people out there who are able to handle me than i think it is just that i don't really give them the opportunity to do so. and trying to keep it all pent up... might well be what results in them being even more intense (and less manageable for myself and others).

it can take a lot of practice to hold ambivalences in ones mind... literally. lists of pros and cons / strengths and weaknesses can help. i guess... we are all only human. and weaknesses and flaws... can be part of what is endearing about people.