Good morning from Riverworld!

It's seven in the morning and I have a lot to say today, so forgive me in advance for this long post. Also forgive me for the many spelling mistakes, etc. It seems that some people are allowed to edit their work, while other's do not have that option and that is really starting to annoy me.

It's not important.

JD, I woke up with you on my mind this morning. I am with you in spirit and in prayer. I hope you will have a better day today. Should you ever feel the need to come here and rant, to perhaps lessen your pain and push some of it out on us-please, please feel free to do so.

I think if you will go back to my very first post, I invited everyone to share or rant or tell us whatever you want if it will make you feel better. That's why I keep writing in here-to convey my thoughts to you and shake off whatever is bothering me.

I want to talk about emotion. This comes with a warning. The things that I have done to speed my recovery, may not be the right things for you. If you intend to taper down on your medication, it is something to discuss with your doctor first.

When I began to taper down on my meds, I began to experience what I call 'the clear'. Without that zombie overload of drugs, many things began to become clear for me. I realized I could experience emotions that were not tied to my illness nor my medication. I could be happy, or irritated, or angry, and it was just me. I believe I have reached a 'safe' level with my drugs. As a bipolar with anxiety disorder and PTSD, I will probably always be on medications. Enough to help me calm the rage that seems to be a big part of bi-polar-yet not enough to keep me from my clear. With the PTSD comes terrible nightmares, so I must take medication for that. But I had to find the level of what was enough to quiet the night terrors, yet not enough to supress my imagination and the good dreams that give me inspiration. Every one of my novels, novelettes and short stories have their roots in my dreams.

I always find it annoying that if I should show any human emotion, the first thing someone says is, 'Have you taken your medication?' And they swear they are only asking because they care and because it is for our own good. When in truth, I think it is more about control. They fear us because they do not understand, will never understand, and believe that if we stay heavily medicated, we are no threat. So if I laugh too long and too loud, if I snap at a child or yell at the cat, or experience and express and kind of human emotion, it's because I haven't taken my meds.

My advocates, and I have a few who really are concerned with my well being, have explained that I am too 'threatening' too bright, and still have too much of the street in me. I wasn't diagnosed until I was in my late forties and I survived with my street smarts. So instead of saying 'How is that any of your f***ing business?', I should say "I'm sorry, but I'm not comfortable answering that question. All I want is my medication and my benefits from the VA, so I must play the game. I know you have all experienced this. You are sitting across the desk from someone with a 'degree' and they are talking and when you connect with them, you both know they are not the smartest person in that room. It scares them and it pisses them off. So you have to play dumb.

Most of them believe that you can't gain control over your bipolar, etc. simply with your own mind and the strength of your own will. My time window for heading off the mania and the depressions is becoming smaller, the more time I spend in the clear. It can be done. And I believe that, given your circumstances, it can be done by most people who suffer from the special hell that is mental illness.

One of the great advantages of this is that I've stopped being afraid. I don't fear tomorrow or the horrors that it might bring. I am still hypervigilent (sp?) and probably always will be. I will probably never be able to drive again. I have a serious problem with sensory overload, but perhaps in the future I will be able to control that with my mind as well.

I have talked about becoming dehydrated and about stopping sugar. Those two things will mess with your body chemistry and your mind quicker than anything. Keeping your body hydrated will flush the chemicals (the drugs) from your body faster. Staying off sugar and eating well will allow your body to operate at it's optimum.

Another thing I want to talk about, and you knew this was coming, is exercise. The trick to exercise is not to make it tricky. Find something you can do at home. Don't force yourself to interact with people you may not want to be around. Keep your workout clothes and sneakers in the same place everyday. Once you put them on and have tied your sneakers, you have already made the comittment and you might as well follow through.

And yes, I have made that comittment. I work out five days a week, 30 minutes a day on my total gym. (That I bought on monthly payments!)
Those extra endorphins are like a happy drug all by themselves. So when you get to the end of the day and say 'What have I accomplished today?'
I drank a lot of liquids today and I might have to get up an extra time to use the toilet, but so what? And I watched my sugar. I did have that one piece of pie, but I did good. And I worked out today. Yeah me!

All of these things will help get you closer to the clear. And the closer to the clear you become, the more control you gain. And that, my dear friends, is a beautiful thing.

Many people are making the pledge an important part of their life. Some can't do it everyday, but that's alright! You do what you can and what is best for you. That's all anyone can ask.

Special kudos to gaylegg and Fuzzybear, who are here everyday. And they agree that making the pledge frees their mind up for more important things. I've stopped whining, 'Why me. why me?' as if I had been given a burden most people don't have to carry. We all have burdens. I am 62 and my only regret is that I didn't figure any of this out sooner.

I pledge to keep suicide out of my back pocket for the next 24 hours. I have other things to do today and I'll be too busy to think about it.

So please, if you feel so moved, let us know what's on your mind and how this is working out for you.

Still haven't heard from DocJohn. Perhaps he is unaware of how many people are taking the pledge and the positive effect it is having on their lives. But don't worry. As I said, if we are not welcome here, we will find
another place. Perhaps we will start our own blog! And if you feel moved
to drop him or one of the leaders, a line, and let them know what taking the pledge means to you, that would be awesome. Just in case, I make copies of this thread twice a day, so that no one's words will be lost.

Have a great day. Peace and love, Tea