Thank you for answering Waiting4.

I've been thinking about what you said and i was glad to see you really understand my situation. right now i feel in a limbo, paralized by the constant push and pull. i guess that staying still is better than going in the wrong direction, but i dont want to freeze here. would be like dying.

i dont have a T anymore and nobody to talk with about this, that is why i turned to the forum. knowing that im not alone in this and being heard has helped. thank you.
takecare