Blowing it so badly! Everything! All at once!!!

I am a wreck. I have totally driven my bf insane!! (No, seriously, he's really losin' his sanity when he talks to me these days - I am completely sucking away his sanity!) He wasn't like that when I met him. Not ever. He can't take it anymore! I've seen this before in my life... And he's been giving it a good shot too! 5+ years! (poor guy - at least I gotta give him credit for lasting so long)! I so hate hurting him this way! (of course, he's not without his faults - had to add that!)

Now I am falling apart at my mother's - completely ruining her special event. It is her joy to be able to make a beautiful dinners throughout the "occasions" of the year - it is "her" thing - we kids have always honoured her by trying to be here, all of our lives, when we have been able!

And I always end up doing the same thing to my family too - sucking the joy out of these events. Every occasion, every year! I hide away! I am miserable, and that vibe just spreads through the whole atmosphere! And I do this over and over and over again!

But I NEED them and I WANT to be near them - they are not cruel people! I have come to understand the family dynamic (I am not a child anymore) and I have let so much go - most of which was overblown in my child's mind and heart anyway! There was nothing hugely extreme going on in my family. We were the typical family with the typical difficulties.

"I" just seem to be the only one who has made my life out to be some kind of horror story and now I am so stuck in it! They have nothing to be forgiven for; I was just the angst-ridden child who couldn't take any pressure of any sort!

But WHAT I can't let go of is the deep and endless ritual of pain I keep repeating in my heart, mind and soul, just like the occasions that my family humbly tries to maintain, in the most beautiful and simplest of ways.

I do occasionally find the strength (or rather, humility?) to come out every now and then to try to show some sort of affection, but overall, I just fall apart and push everyone away.

I shouldn't be here with them! It would be so much better for them if I just weren't here!!! (In the house, I mean; NOT to be taken in the suicidal sense).

I can't even medicate the anxiety away! I probably couldn't even overdose on it because it would never tranquilize me enough to settle me down! This is one anxiety attack that NOTHING helps! Look! I can't even stop using the "!" button!!

I am just such a downer! And I'm way too good at it!

This will pass right? Someone tell me this will pass! Of course it will, it always does... BUT THEN IT COMES BACK!!!

Please, someone tell me that my family understands? Tell me that they believe me when I apologize over and over for acting this way, that I really don't want to do this, or be this way. I so badly want to show them how much I love them, but all that comes out is anguish, anger and tears. How can they continue to believe me?

This is truly a moment of my insanity!