pinksoil, no, I haven't shared the "like father, like son" metaphor with my T. I haven't told him that I feel I may disappoint him. I should voice this. I actually do think he would reassure me this is not the case. But nevertheless, last session I felt when I said certain things that he was somehow disappointed and on occasion we were like 2 ships passing in the night, just not on the same page. Maybe the communication is the problem. I think I need to let him know how clueless I am on certain things so he can explain better and not just assume I know stuff. Sometimes I felt like he was reacting in a way that said "how can you be so dumb?"

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Wow. This is some serious transference.

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That's interesting, pinksoil, that you would say that, because I never thought of it that way. But now I am thinking, hey, that probably is right. Here I am in this horrible relationship with my husband and for many years I have not been able to say or do anything independently or else I get criticized and knocked down and disapproved of. I have so wanted my husband's love and approval. And now here I am with another guy, my T, feeling scared he will disapprove of me, and I will lose his respect and positive regard. AAAACCKKKKK!!

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When you experience these images, what do you imagine your T doing when you cut in his presence? Do you really think he would be "horrified" if you told him about this?

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In my fantasy, he is not horrified. He is very much business as usual, sitting in his chair, watching me cut, as if I were simply saying something to him rather than shedding blood. And he even gives me a reassuring gesture that I shouldn't worry about the blood that is dripping down and staining his carpet. He's like "don't worry about that, please continue." He's very accepting. Yet in real life, I wonder if he would be so accepting if I told him this? I worry he would be kind of scared by this fantasy, because it seems deviant and aberrant to me. When I was a teen, I always cut in private and felt it was deviant, that normal people didn't injure themselves in this way, much less enjoy it. And wanting someone to share this with you seems even more abnormal. It's tough to share this kind of shameful, deviant thing with him. I need to hang onto the thought that the cutting is just a metaphor for sharing my pain with him. That helps me.

Thank you also, sidony and mouse, for your comments and support.

I am glad to be back after my trip with my daughter. That was a nice break. There were over 100 new posts here in Psychotherapy. You guys have been busy!!!