Found this to be a very tough night.

Duel feelings on coming home.

Rational side wants to get better, cares about my wife, mum, friends who have supported me.... has plans for the future and is looking forward to getting my life together.

Irrational side of me had been wanting to come home for ready access to cutting and possibly dieing in the comfort of my own home without the meddling of mental health workers who have in effect kept me trapped in a secure unit for 2 and a half weeks, removing any access to self harm and essentially controlling my day.

On getting home I found my wife had removed all of my sharpes with the exception of one as it was disguised as a wallet swiss army knife and she didn't know it contained (ironically) the sharpest blade I have. It was by my computer and after umming and arring for 5 minutes, I gave it to her explaining what it was before the temptation became to great.

An hour or two later, the stress and tension got the better of me and I punched a wall... then went upstairs looking for the blades I know she's hidden (but no idea where)... checked draws and bags but to no affail... she came up 2 minutes later and found me sitting on the bed shaking.

Talked to me calmly and asked what I was doing and thinking. Was honest and said that I was struggling and though I didn't want to go back to hospital... was worried I'd made a mistake coming out too soon.

She hugged me and then engaged some calming exercises with me that did actually bring me down to ground a bit.

I'm still frustrated... got this horrible mind set where I do and I don't want to hurt/die and I'm finding it super hard to tip the balance of wanting to get better over wanting to not.

I feel terrible for the times that I do not (when I'm more rational and thinking clearly) as I am both sabotaging my recovery... and spitting in the face of the amazing support I've had from family, friends, people here and mental health support.



Is this nightmare scenario ever going to end in a positive way?

I know and acknowledge that when push comes to shove... it is me that needs to make the change... but I'm finding it so hard.