Thanks everyone... I'm glad you like this thread. Hi ABT... good to see you here. And all the others... I'm looking forward to sharing more about our determination to remain in survival mode day to day.... week to week for a lifetime of balance. The trade off for giving up the only path we once new... the one to the roller coaster.

I've discovered lately that life likes to challenge my ability to survive life's daily challenges. Sometimes its just feeling 'crowded' that can wear me down.... like when I haven't taken well enough care of myself... neglected my diet, my sleep, my quiet time... my alone time.... and I feel pulled by others to perform beyond my energy. They may not be asking anything extraordinary from me. Civil conversation can be a challenge when I'm feeling frazzled... over spent. The anxiety builds and the simplest things start to irritate me and cause me to snap at people I love. Cause me to be hypersensitive to sounds, to loud laughter, to quick actions... to anything that I don't expect... anything contrary to total calm.

I've learned to give myself space when I need it. I often have to tell my loved ones that its nothing personal even when they seem to take it personally. I resist trying to push myself to stay in the situation even if it is causing me stress... or to get myself caught in a discussion trying to convince them that its not personal.... to get them to 'approve' of my decision to go into my quiet room for a while. I've learned to just state my need, my intention and act accordingly.

I finally have become skilled at putting me.... my welness ahead of everything and everyone for everyone's sake. Me and my loved ones benefit from me disengaging when engagement is a strain. I used to think that was the ultimate in selfishness but not anymore. I've learned that staying in a situation where I'm feeling 'crowded' can quickly escilate into abuse. My snappy remarks, my impatient, humourless reactions border on abuse. I can't help myself when I'm on that kind of edge. In that state of mind I'm just a series of explosions. Some muffled, some so quickly set off that I don't get a chance to try to muffle or block the distruction. Now I just pull away before I am at risk of any kind of explosive reactions.

The time away for others doesn't always have to be for very long anymore. The sooner I pull myself away then it seem the less time I need alone before I am able to engage with others again.

Tonight I felt like this. It had been a long day. I started out tired and I had no time to myself all day. I started to snap... I started to over-react... I felt the edginess in my voice, in my responses.... so I gave myself permission for some alone time. I pulled away even though it caused another to feel some rejection. I wouldn't let myself own their feelings. I assured them it wasn't personal and left it to them to process.

Within an hour I was ready to come back out of my closet and engage again. In the past I would have pushed myself until anxiety took over and it would have caused a collapse that could have taken days to recover from.

It feels good to know the difference between being 'selfish' to want to be alone for a while and taking 'smart steps' that are 'in the best interest of everyone'.

I've survived the risk of another roller coaster ride tonight and I have learned about a new path.... one that helps me to enjoy a more peaceful and satisfying life.... one day at a time.

Hope you too are walking in peace today because you've learned more about yourself and how to keep the peace in your life.