The way you explain the two sides of yours are awfully similiar to my own experience. To me...it helps to even call one of my sides for "the shadow"... it might sound very cliché but the point is just that I kinda discriminate it to be myself or my own thoughts... it's like a parasite feeding thoughts to my brain.

There's only one friend with whom I share this though (apart from you now) and to her it's very easy now to just say "I want to do this but my shadow doesn't." and then she understands.

I don't understand why you look so negatively on the future...oh...well...I mean...I know you are depressed....it's just... the events today sounds very good to me! You first made sure your wife took away the last remaining knife (GJ!) and then after you got the urge your wife calmed you down... if only slightly it is something! To me it sounds like you kinda...ermh....made progress!

You are gonna get more of these negative feelings tj...you are gonna punch a wall again...you are going to get self harm urges and so on... no one gets cured in a flash! But to me it looks like you are learning things and I believe this WILL end in a positive way! !

I hope this didn't make you feel worse somehow.... HUGS!