AS, of course your family loves you. I'm sure they know how hard you are trying. Do you tell them how much you care about them? In your post, your love for them is so clear. The fact that you know that making beautiful dinners is your mum's "thing" and you don't want to ruin it for her, and the fact that you try to find the humility to be affectionate when it's such an effort for you, shows what a lovely, thoughtful person you are. Family dinners are stressful for everyone. My sister usually has some sort of breakdown at every family occasion. It doesn't make any of us love her any less, though. We would be lost without her and her holiday hysterics. When you love somebody, you love their imperfections too.

I just have to say that I think it would be impossible not to love you. The fact that you say things like this: "I so hate hurting him this way! (of course, he's not without his faults - had to add that!)" just makes me adore you. I love your spirit and your passion and the fact that you're forthright and care so deeply about how your actions affect your family. You're not perfect. None of us is. It doesn't mean that we're not the object of lots of love, though.

((((AS))))