Hey Louesa! Imagine how shocking it is for me to find out my inner bully has been two-timing me by hanging out with you! And it's a girl!

Seriously, I understand where you're coming from and I'm here to tell you that you aren't alone and that you are so not weird. It's like a defense mechanism we put in ourselves, as if we don't want to get a big ego or get to enjoy our "greatness" too much so we instantly sabotage ourselves to stay humble (like we need more of that...we have freakin' self-esteem issues: we've got bags of humble!)

I don't have answers, but I do want to say that you aren't some lazy schlub, because you got up and really are trying to do something about your problem. That's not lazy, that's brave. I have seen people who go out doing wonderful things all day like it's a breeze, feeding homeless people and saving kittens and hang-gliding over volcanoes for their holidays and all I do is sit in my bedroom and type on this computer. And TV. I love me some TV. Actually, this is a great holiday, because I spent the whole day laying around and didn't have to talk to anyone and got to read and watch TV and now I found you. You're my SECOND person to talk to on this forum! Ain't you neat!

Anyway, what I am saying is, there are those folks that go about living in a way that looks to us like it's a breeze and then there's us, who feel lost and left behind. Let me tell you, it's all a matter of pace. Sure, they look like they're ahead of you in some respects because they are on a faster pace; look around and I know you'll find some folks who don't have some of the skills you've already developed; they are at a slower track.

Not trying to be simplistic and I certainly can't tell you to "just stop hating yourself" (I hate when people tell me that. ""Oh! Okay! Gosh, I never thought of that!"). I just want you to realize that just because you're the same age, you're not expected to be as far along in life as others. It's like not jogging because those Olympic dudes are soooo fast; you'd never beat those times. What I do to take the pressure off of me is that once per day I do at least one positive thing, even if it's not directly beneficial to a specific person. Like today, when I had no contact with anyone at all, I thought about the lives of the lost sons and daughters who died in war, both civilian and soldier. It made me remember that whether an act is right or wrong, everything has a price. The other positive thing was that I sang in the shower. And that I showered. Oh, and I met you! See, you can really rack up the pluses if you just keep your eyes open for them. It doesn't make the self-hate go away for good, but it does lighten your heart for a while.

You can do that for yourself, Louesa. For example, your positive thing now is that you've gotten me talking and that got some of my poison out. Thanks! I started scanning this thread feeling all kinds of dark and just this writing to you is making me feel so good, I'm gonna snake of to the kitchen, have two or three Oreo's and some milk and sleep a good sleep; all thanks to you. You so !

If you ever want to vent some or just talk randomly, please bend my ear anytime; I'd love to hear from you. Look, another positive thing about you! Some dude from Texas read your post and cared about you; you are on a roll, sister!