Last night i went to a party. It was OK, but i didn't stay very long, mostly because of anxiety. I don't drink or take drugs because i get random drug tested for work, and the test includes alcohol. So it's a little hard to be the sober person at the party, especially because i'm not sober by choice. I know i was abusing substances when i got put on this monitoring program, but my mood was really unstable at the time and i think it was part of that. I hate sobriety. Drugs and alcohol cause problems for me, but i still prefer my life when i could party than to now. I can't wait until Burning Man when i'll be away from monitoring long enough to have a few drinks. I'll keep it low key, it will just be a bit of a break. My monitoring is so oppressive - no drinking, no drugs, and forced medications. They have taken my fire and chaos away, and i am very resentful. I may be more stable now, but at what cost? All because i got hospitalized... It's so unfair. I like the Of Montreal lyric "at least i author my own disaster." I want control over my life and decisions again. I hate having my wings clipped, and 40 months is such a long time. I have 10 months left, so i hope this is a fast year