Sorry I'm so late in replying.

More power to you, and I wish I was where you are -- I'm only one step away from total scum. I've never lived under my own steam in any place bigger than a 900-square-foot apartment, and never owned anything more expensive than a used Toyota. I'm still a low-level office rat who could easily be replaced by a monkey. And if I lined a birdcage with my worthless bachelor's degree I'd be arrested for animal cruelty.

I have indeed done a stretch in a hospital after an episode of severe physical self-battering, so I know all too well what it's like ... hence my fears of ending up there again. No psychotherapy, just doing mindless arts and crafts when I should have had the strength of character to be on the outside earning a paycheck. And a CINGULOTOMY suggested! This was followed by a wholly stupid outpatient program wherein I was supposed to be magically cheered up after giving myself "The Purple Neuron" for "conspicuous gallantry against depression." Thanks so very much, 'holes -- don't you know atheists don't fall for rituals or ceremonies?

Only if I can find one who's worth anything. My state is so red it's scarlet, and has never outgrown its "cowboys bite on bullets" mentality. Not the kind of place where you pour out your feelings, even to a pro.

Mostly sheer paranoia in the form of five symptoms:

(1) That my wife wants to dominate and control me the same way my mother did. (I've now projected my mother onto her so many times that she's now ordered me never to speak to her of my men'al problems ever again, or our marriage is over -- self-fulfilling prophecy, anyone? Note: Issues re my mother would take up a whole other post.)

(2) That work is looking for any excuse to fire my sorry (bad word).

Sorry -- my old objectivist roots are showing. Between my parents, one particular supervisor from the fifth circle of hell (sin of Anger), and Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged:

(3) I've developed a pathological fear of rotterhood. I sometimes feel deeply ashamed and guilty that I don't have the guts and relentless success drive to make it BIG in a dog-eat-dog, no-mercy world.

(4) I don't feel I have control over it anymore. I am constantly reminding myself through it, "IF IT WASN'T FOR ME, S---HEAD, YOU'D BE IN JAIL, DIVORCE COURT, BANKRUPTCY COURT, THE GUTTER, THE STATE SNAKEPIT OR THE MORGUE!"

(5) And knowing intellectually that none of the above fears is true has not helped. (Hence one of my principal objections to CBT -- I can't just think my way out of this.)

Any further thoughts and speculations greatly appreciated. Thanks, and again, no disrespect to anyone but myself (in which case it's deserved) intended.