it does suck. the skill i fall back on (i'm a dbt person - that is, i really like dbt and that's what my t is trained as) is radical acceptance. it doesn't mean i like the situation, it just means that it is what it is and i have to deal with the situation in front of me, not the situation i wish i had. it's a tough one.

i also struggle with that choice. right now for me, my kids really impact me and that's good and frustrating at the same time. like, why do i have to live in horrible pain for everyone else's sake? part of that is rooted in the fact that a lot of what i've dealt with in life has been because i was doing what someone else wanted and never what i wanted. i endured a lot of pain at someone else's expense. so it's sort of like living is me enduring more pain at everyone else's expense *still*. like because it'll hurt them, i should keep going.

but i do love my kids even if i can't always feel it and my oldest is a sweetheart and so i keep hanging on sometimes even when i'd rather not which is most days these days

trying to find meaning in something that feels meaningless. it's def. hard.