Today has been rough and at one point the wife and I were almost in agreement of us calling the hospital (she was in tears and worried and stressed... at which point I quit thinking about me and realised the extent of pressure I was putting on her).

My self control has been non existent and being at home with so much temptation around me has been like me being a kid in a candy store... and I've crisscrossed my left arm in si whilst combating suicidal thoughts.

Came home too soon I think and for too long... an evening may have been better. She has literally confiscated everything sharp (including kitchen knives and decanting can drinks into plastic cups) and locked them away.

She wants me to stay the night now... but tomorrow a friend is taking me out for the day (a qualified nurse though not in mental health) and she called him and told him 'everything' which she only told me about once she hung up. Said that he needed to be aware and vigilant.... I got a bit upset about it.

I really don't want to go back to hospital, but the wife will be away from sunday afternoon till Wednesday and she simply and probably rightly so does not trust me with my current state of mind.

I feel ashamed writing this... but it is what it is... and at least I'm still at home for now.

While we chatted and I was shaking and agitated, our dog was busy licking my wounds while I just sat there in a kind of 'oh crap' state.... stung like hell, wife advised that dog saliva is like an anti septic... didn't know that.