I'd appreciate the feedback when available. I don't know why all my life, I'm never sure it's BDD with gender confusion issue or without or just regular insecurities mixed with BDD and my PTSD. I feel so stupid I'm going to be 21 in a year, and I have such an aversion and hatred towards my stomach and my abs. I hate myself on how I look, when I see a girl I feel like I'm looking in a mirror back at me of a pretty face and something that seems perfect to me what I want. I want that admiration of looks. I'm not ugly which is weird I'm aware and have good self esteem usually, but all the time. I feel my medical condition of Stiff person syndrome and my fear of my face and just hating me is so bad. I hate being around women, I hate it when my guy and girl friends talk about who they've hooked up with. I stopped dating people a year ago, because of being abused, I dated ok girls, but they were usually hooked up with me from their friend wanting some other hot guy I was with and I get the less attractive one. I hate talking like this, because I sound shallow, I'm not intending to be. I know what I'm attracted to, but personally I'd rather have her body feel her sense of beauty and looks. I want that superficiality not to fill a void and be more active in my looks and feel confident. I just want to feel appreciated and no longer pressured to be perfect all the time. I was diagnosed with anorexia when I was a boy around 14. I was 85 lbs everyone was 60 lbs on average over me. I was very underweight, I got most girls liking me when I was underweight. It's sad, I hate eating food and my body making me hungry, I wish I could just get rid of this and feel like I'm not some overweight freak. I want to work out and get my old 8 pack again. I lost 50 lbs I was overweight a year ago from my meds and it was hell. I don't take any medication other than my neuro meds for my new medical condition. Being active is much harder, because of my rare disorder, I was always active, but now I can't as much as I'd like to, because my nervous system will shut down my muscles in severe pain. I've been bed ridden for weeks and forced to starve myself, because it hurts to eat anything when the symptoms arise. I have to live with it for the rest of my life according to my neurologist and I'm afraid for continuing of losing weight and falling back under of the habit of anorexia again. I'm a normal weight, but I crave to be thinner and just look perfect. I hate talking like this, because I feel weak, I don't want assume the role as a guy, because it's hard. I hate this superficial crap I get from females, I don't put up with I have to be this guy or like that guy or I'm nothing attitude and I stick up for myself and I don't date, because the last thing I need is to be vulnerable I can't date and take care of myself. It doesn't work that way. I avoid and turn down girls when I know they are full of crap, I'm not exaggerating it happens all the time. I don't want to accept girls do this, but they do it's ******** and I want to be a girl or pretty and be a lesbian it's so ridiculous what the **** I go through inside to feel good about myself and it's why I hated most women. I'm not vocal on my hatred I don't want to be assumed sexist or bigotry I'm not I know I'm not. I just tired of their victimization or the fact I'm a guy I have to be treated like **** because all guys have to look like boy toys and used and be sculptures. I never dated someone or had one girl come up to me and tell me how good I look mean it even when I was in relationships. I had 8 of them altogether. I'm not a virgin. I haven't been with many girls, because I shelter myself and completely scared on how I've been told, "I think you're nice, but you're not what I'm into." "Oh no you're attractive, but your not my type, I'm always being avoided as the next guy over." I force myself not to assume that pushover and no matter how much **** I take and fight. It's made me believe for the past decade. I'm ugly, I seriously don't like being a guy nor the body I've been given. It's hurt me for so long. I would beg everyday I'd be a girl or just look hot and have that attention. I don't want my security to be filled by a mass female audience to fill my void. I'm just tired of being viewed the way I am in the manner of disrespect and disposability I've been given for being a guy.

I don't know how to understand this, I'm continuing being single and will reject everyone who does come up to me, because I've been hurt enough. I can't trust anymore. I'm tired of being a disposable, because of my gender and my looks.