Yeah I know. I'm going to be told to go seek that. I'm working on that. I just don't know what it is. I never did even my therapists couldn't give me an answer. Not a straight answer like no comment at all. Despite me bringing it up, I keep forgetting it too much it's not like it's unimportant forgetfullness, but as in suppressing it by having my charisma and personality take its hold. I'm a likeable person I have lots of aqcuaintance friends and close friends. I'm quite popular and have lots of success, very positive, but that's how I suppress it. It's not a negative suppression, but when it comes to females no matter how close or how much I've impressed them or they've liked me. I don't try to show my critical side on females much, unless they are being disrespectful to me directly. I won't be indirect with my responses either. I don't have drama or carry it I avoid it. It's bothered me since early childhood, I know I've struggled with this all my life. I've wrote it down to remember and I'm emailing my therapist to plan an appointment for this specifically. I can make friends talk to girls and flirt easy, but every time I can't help but feeling like I hate myself and being overcritical subconciously on my looks. I look presentable and I worry bout my appearance a lot I'm very mindful of others and avoid being called the "nice or sweet guy" as in pushover I do a good job at that. I accept being ignored with that i apart of it, but I still have this lingering question everyone tells me I'm gorgeous. I want to believe and I listen, it's just how things happen naturally every time even the girls I've dated been this way with me. I've been recently trained to suppress because my support is very negligent and rather not here me talk bout anything emotional. I almost want to leave my state soon get a sex change and change my identity everything over time while avoiding everyone to get the results I want and just say I don't know who my name so and so was if they bring it up remotely. I'm serious, I really want to wipe my current existence off the planet. I hate it that much I don't want to kill myself, I just want my body to be completely different I want that attention, because I've never received it easily despite my popularity and friends. Also I always got it by doing so damn much effort. I do my best to try not to look unavailable or positive, am I being too negative or am I looking appropriately dressed, am I looking how I want should I wear a suit again or go all tank top. Should I talk or not talk, is my breath bad. Am I not muscular enough do I come off as too me or feminine. Despite me saying I'm not like that or anything. It's worked very well people don't believe I'm insecure, but I'm the most insecure out of everyone. I don't want a relationship or have sex with any female no matter how good looking, because I don't want to show this side. It's I'm not narcassistic like my mom at times, and I find out. I'm very empathetic and I try to show I care, but now I worry do I care to little or too much this balancing act is causing my anxiety to get so bad every day I have no control of how I should manage it, not because of therapy or my self help that is successful. I just don't want to be what people assume me as, because I see myself different and other people should see and support how I see myself not be so critical. Women are the worst with me with it. I've grown to hate myself, deep down, because I want to feel what they feel. I'd give every penny, and I throw away all my problems I used to worry about and I work hard at becoming successful to get that attention for just five minutes. I appreciate it, but it hurts realizing how lonely and isolated I am from all my friends male and female constantly being admired and I get nothing. Maybe once in 5 years in truth, but other than that I get you're ok, or you look attractive not my type, no emphasis like I hear everyone around me and it bugs me so badly. I never knew why