I'm trying to prefer the light and usually it's forced upon me in treatment. They somehow get the secrets out of me and then I feel terrible after because they're only pieces of one big puzzle not as important individually that I need to develop in the darkness alone but it's an illness and hard to accept that it's not real or maybe that's what they want me to think. That I don't have special powers or that I do and I'm some sort of chosen one. There's no proof. I'm not going to accept anything but at the same time, I'm so much better medicated but as soon as I'm medicated, the process stops and lies dormant until I stop them again and continue my journey to .. curing myself from what I'm being pulled towards so medicated is better. Idk or there's something else.

I think pretending to be delusional (Adapting to this fake world and believing the lies of reality oops i mean .. reality.. is better ...

aaah confusing what ever i dont care anymore as long as im not paranoid and thinking that people are watching me through solid walls, I'm good. It's not worth the magical thinking that I can't seem to handle when not medicated.