thanks leah. they are closed for the night, but I use them when needed... this t was also the only one I ever let see me cry, or hear me cry (called her once sobbing)... so many firsts and risks taken and trusting, and now it's gone
we terminated because she left the agency. she was burnt-out and needed something "less intense"... there's a lot of guilt around that for me, and a lot of relating (I left a similar job with no notice to my clients because I had a break-down and could no longer function. I have yet to go back to the field) which feeds the guilt... and then there's a bunch of parental-type transferrence going on too... it's a huge mess. I'm a huge mess. :/

finally stopped crying enoug to maybe try to sleep... wish me luck.