I feel so alone in my life. I am surrounded by people, I know many of them care about me, but none of them really "get it" and understand fully what it is like to be in this situation.

I am going to face a rough week emotionally, I know that, because of life moving on, things changing. Change happens, I accept that. But I just feel trapped in a life that is difficult in ways that it should not be, because of all of the past events that happened to me, and I do have a sense of "it's all so unfair". I just want to get off of the roller coaster, but it never comes to a stop. Jumping isn't an option. So, the best you can do is ride it out. What happens when you are so sick of riding you just want to puke and scream, but you can't do that, because the other riders in the roller coaster of life just view that as more evidence of your weakness? You sit back, calm yourself down, and carry on ... because there is no other option. That is my life ... I have no other option. I used to think at times about suicide as "the big out" ... but I no longer do. I still fully believe in a right to it ... I just have absolutely no desire to do it. And, running away might be lovely ... but also not a realistic option ... because running into an entirely new life would NOT solve my problem, if my problem is a maladaptive way of responding to stress, a FUBAR world view developed as a boy growing up in a very FUBAR household, and reinforced as a grown man by life events that were just as FUBAR. Except that there is one saving grace, I am not FUBAR. I have proven that to myself ... I can learn and change and develop better coping mechanisms and attitudes. I know there is hope for my life ... it just is very hard work. I'm not afraid of hard work ... but I just wish I could "get a break from it" now and again. PTSD is like a job in some ways ... you can go home at night and forget it for a while with distraction, but you have to go back to it in the morning, like it or not. Worse, it's like a prison sentence to hard labor in another way ... no breaks, no vacations, no furloughs, you can't just "get away for a few days or weeks" even if you really NEED a break.

I really am trying to grow and better myself ... but at times, it seems discouraging. When people around me ... don't change. My family is a challenge ... they are very resistant to living any way but the way we were forced to growing up. They don't seem to realize that the jailer is dead, and the prison doors have been unlocked. So, when life events happen, small or big ... they do what they always did ... overreact, turn every tiny thing into a big crisis, become defensive, whatever. I know, I am the only one that can change ... my reaction to them. It's just hard.