Now there is also something else that this chronic depression has taken away from me which is my pursuit in becoming a composer. To me, composing music is about expressing your emotion and experiencing emotion from music. Therefore, since depression has taken away my main and only reason for composing music (my pleasure), this is why I have chosen to give up on it. If I were to still choose to pursue my dream anyway, I would feel anger and more depression knowing that some of my pleasure has been taken away and has hindered me from fully experiencing pleasure from listening as well as expressing (through composing) music. But there is one thing I do in which I no longer focus on the status of my pleasure and instead focus on something else which would be playing videogames. When I play videogames, nothing else in the world matters (not even my emotional well-being or anything) and the only thing that matters is focusing on playing the game. However, the same does not hold true at all for my dream of composing music as my whole reason for composing in the first place is my pleasure and making use of my pleasure in composing music. It's when my pleasure creates great music that I feel a sense of empowerment and superiority in having pleasure because it is like a "power" to me that makes me a great composer. In short, composing music is an expression of my life having full pleasure and just how great that it is and just how it makes me so powerful as a person and a composer. I then share this form of expression in the form of composed songs to other people so that they will admire, be in awe and such which then gives me even more pleasure in return knowing just how great a life of full pleasure is and how great that makes me as a person and a composer.

Now when I play videogames, my pleasure is not used for anything (I am just simply playing the game in order to experience pleasure). As a result, since my pleasure is not being used as any form of expression, I am not focused on my pleasure (my focus is now on something else that brings me pleasure). This is why I have chosen to give up on my dream in becoming a composer and have instead chosen to play videogames because, again, me choosing to compose music only focuses on my pleasure and brings me more anger and depression knowing that some of it has been taken away and has hindered me as a person and a composer. However, if my chronic depression does go away completely later on, then I will get back to my dream of composing music.