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Now there is also something else that this chronic depression has taken away from me which is my pursuit in becoming a composer. To me, composing music is about expressing your emotion and experiencing emotion from music.
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The best musicians had struggle in their life... maybe that is what made them so great and profound.
Depression hasn't taken it away, you gave up, because it's not so "pleasurable" as you want it to be.
Honestly, not to doubt you but in general "life is hard, life is struggle" kinda of music is so much better than "MY LIFE IS SO MUCH PLEASURE (and that makes me superior)" music. How many struggling artists made great albums when struggling, but gotten "better" to realese bland stuff about "I am happy now".
You seem to be dogding from pain, doing escapism on unhealthy level and obsessing about pleasure and feeling sorry for yourself that your life isn't one never-ending-pleasure.
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In short, composing music is an expression of my life having full pleasure and just how great that it is and just how it makes me so powerful as a person and a composer
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So you want to rub in people's faces your life is about pleasure and pleasure only, topped with some more pleasure why those who ain't "god-like" are depressive and struggle and are humans with ups and downs?
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Glory to heroes!
HATEFREE CULTURE