I think you are on track about something here, Hellion - and it is a theme that has been foremost in my mind for almost 2 years now - my desire not to be labeled or identified in any way as "mentally ill". My reaction upon being told I was bipolar II was immediate, and extremely strong - because of the stereotypes I had of mentally ill people, mixed with the whole issue of my father, how I was raised, my own repugnance of his mental condition and behaviors, combined with my "programming" to be perfect, even though that is completely unattainable, all blended in my mind into this melange of fear and panic.

I didn't want to be identified with, labeled as, associated with, "mental illness" in any way. In fact, at many points early on in my experience, I would tell myself I had to "act normal" - be sociable, outgoing, appear happy, try to convince the world I was the "picture of mental health". And I kept the entire "crazy" side of me as hidden as possible, to great extremes (and yes, I did go to extremes, like getting a second and then third cell phone, a new safe deposit box at a different bank just for certain documents, so that should I die or be incapacitated, no one would "find them" in my regular box, etc.) And I also found myself very keenly listening to any comments about mental health I heard, whether in person or in society as a whole, from the media, whatever. And, five months into my "experience", mental health really came front and center with the massacre at Sandy Hook, and it was discussed for days and days at all levels of power and society.

And, very ironic, my last therapy session before Christmas, my therapist sprang a bombshell on me - instead of just talking, she said she wanted to tell me something, and took the entire hour session explaining why she felt I did not have bipolar, but instead had PTSD. And I literally broke down, and I remember driving home that night, a cold December night with a biting wind, scudding clouds, and snowflakes, and being kind of numb and yet kind of giddy, I felt like my "sentence had been commuted". All along, I felt like a criminal anyway for all of this, so I actually talked about the entire thing in those terms for the longest time - I would say to myself or my therapist "when I was in the slammer" or "when I was serving my time" instead of "in the hospital" or "in the day program". And, three months later, when a new psychiatrist confirmed the therapist's opinion and also said PTSD, I left her office after an hour and half of discussion, on Good Friday no less, a warm, sunny day, our first one in 2013, and I was literally and openly joyous, like I just won the lotto or something.

I've tried, but without omitting what I said, thought, and felt, to describe in my narratives about my experience what happened the way it did, and why it did. But I have tried to be cautious to not offend people with bipolar or other conditions, although I have on quite a few occasions on this and other forums. And I am very sorry for that. I fully recognize that my own prejudices, bigotry against the mentally ill, has been very real. I think a lot of the line from a Michael Jackson song, 'They Don't Care About Us', where he sings about the accusations in the media at the time against him "I've been a victim of shame, you're putting me in a class with a bad name." And I realize that it is both wrong and hurtful to make it sound like PTSD is some "better" disease/disorder/syndrome/whatever to have, because somehow if we call it an "injury" rather than an "illness" it seems to imply that "it's not you're fault" - yet, as you point out, neither is bipolar, or schizophrenia, or any of them.

As I have pondered this for two years, in my mind, it comes down to one thing - anyone with any kind of "mental health condition" still gets a raw deal from society. No one would dream of making comments or treating cancer patients the way the mentally ill are treated - no one would force a Lou Gherig's sufferer to be put on a ventilator against their wishes "for their own good" - no one would allow it if someone tried. Yet, with mental illness, it's still all acceptable. Our society is very intolerant, and our media whips up the frenzy. Any mass shooting, and instantly, let's all speculate what mental illness the perpetrator had. They don't speculate whether or not thyroid disease or arthritis or a torn ACL or a brain tumor contributed in any way to the tragedy.

Yes, I do think it is wrong to try to create a "pecking order" of diseases and conditions, but in my mind, I did that right away when I heard PTSD. Honestly, until it came out of her mouth, I never considered that at all. The second it did, it was like, "hey, wait a minute, I'm not crazy after all." - because I was certainly, and am still to some extent, "buying into it" - the fear, the stigma, the whole ball of wax that is the "mental health experience."

So, I do apologize for my own behaviors. I try to NOT "be like that", but yet obviously, the entire concept of "it's a lesser disease" is forward in my mind. I guess I could say "too bad, some people win, some lose when the dice are rolled," but I don't believe it should be that way. I think the entire "community" from patients and families to the professionals, needs to be a lot more proactive yet about combating stigma, stereotypes, and fear. I NEVER would have felt the need to be so deeply "closeted" had I not felt that society would NOT give me a fair chance. And that is all I wanted - not special or preferential treatment, but to be allowed to live my life without being made to feel or feeling like I was either somehow "defective" or "flawed" and to not be prejudged when it came to things like employment or personal relationships.

So, I hope that helps, at least by way of explanation. Sorry if I offended.