In February I met an amazing man. I loved him and I gave him everything. Him and his 12 year old son became an integral part of my life. When I looked into the future all I saw was them and us and happiness. All that changed one week ago today when he told me he was "mentally conflicted." Turns out he didn't feel the way I did and had been kind of hiding it. He wasn't seeing our future together - even if his actions showed that. He's been hurt by many women in the past and I think that has greatly affected his ability to see the future and love.

With him I felt more alive and more like me than I ever did before. It was liberating and wonderful. Especially after so many years of feeling like I was the "scooter" the girl guys would ride in private but would never dare be caught with out in public. To explain that, I had weight loss surgery (WLS) in September of 2012 and have lost 110lbs. I don't even look like the same person. I went from a size nearly 24 to a 4.

To that end, I'm sad. So sad. I can't hate him for staying true to his own feelings and telling me the truth, but it still freaking hurts. Last week I literally thought I was losing it (I have a history of anxiety and depression currently being treated). I had to have an emergency therapy appointment and literally thought I was going crazy. Today, I'm better but I'm still very sad.
And obviously eating is greatly affected, but unlike many when something like this happens I freak out and get PHYSICALLY ill. To the point where I am so nauseous I can barely drink water. Yesterday was my first good day and I had a couple strawberries, a mimosa (it was brunch!), a single protein shake, and a couple pieces of toast. That's it... all day. And that was my biggest day. I've lost over 9 lbs since last Monday and that's scary.


I guess I just need support. I think my friends are sick of talking to me because I just keep rehashing the whole thing. And what makes me the most nervous is that I feel like that was my chance. I have come a LONG ways emotionally, physically and mentally but I still don't do well with relationships. Very few guys want to take on my issues: 3 dogs, a single family home in a very expensive area (DC) that needs work, mental/emotional issues, and god forbid all the crazy baggage that comes with the WLS).