Yeah, I have struggled with eating my whole life. I eat for everything. Everything except just eating to fuel my body. I struggle with that, which is why I feel so lost and helpless when I'm actually in recovery. I am all black and white too, no grey. I can think grey, plenty...but I am rigid in practice. All about control issues for me, trying to control every aspect of my life. And it is just taking me further down.
Anyway, this isn't about me, it's about you, want2enjoylife...I hope you are able to come to an agreement with yourself about your food relationship. I've been battling mine for over two decades. Sometimes I just get so very tired of it all.