First, whatever psychiatric illness you may or may not have (or to whatever degree you may have it), you continue to be a human being, and that means you continue to have a large degree of control over your behavior. Whether you exercise self-control to the full degree you are able to is YOUR choice. If you demand that life be easy or not too hard all of the time, and that you not suffer at all, then you will be quick to abdicate self-control to a psychiatric illness, to a psychiatrist, to medications, or simply to
Fate. I am calling you to "man up," to the degree that you can. Some people are tired of the struggles in life, so abdicate to a mental illness diagnosis so that hey can take a rest. And such persons really may have a psychiatric illness. But the abdication is a choice, and the results are always bring on more suffering in the long run (though the rest may come in the sort run). My approach from this comes from my own experience, from other people I have observed, and from the writings of two psychiatrists: Dr. Abraham Low and Dr. Peter Breggin. You can find their books in libraries, and there is some information about them on the Internet. You may be able to find a therapy/support group in your area based on the ideas of Dr. Abraham Low. Go to the web site for Recovery International.

Second, you sound panicky. Make yourself stop that. That won't help. People won't be more likely to help you if act panicky--they'll be less likely. You'll scare them.

Third, stop the self pity. I detect self pity in your recounting of your history. Self pity is irrelevant. Self pity just makes you helpless. Self pity is a cry of help in a world that does not exist to help you. You need to "man up," if you know what I mean.

Fourth, you seem to be suggesting that your wife regrets having married you. This is irrelevant. If she is supportive, that's good of course. If she (or anyone else in particular) is not supportive, don't waste time blaming them or demanding that they become supportive. The only thing that matters if for you to exercise as much self-control over your behavior as you can, as much of the time as you can, and take logical steps to solve your problems and achieve your goals and keep on the road of life and keep going forward on the road of life. Be respectful, and self-controlled, and a few people will be on your side and give you some valuable help. But not everyone. That's life. Being a grown adult mature man means accepting that life in this world is not always a party or picnic or rose garden.

Fifth, if you can afford to see a psychiatrist, and can afford psychiatric medications, they might be worth checking out. If they start to zombify you, stop taking them. It's that simple. Overall, psychiatric medications might help you, might harm you, or might have no effect. Just use them with care. Read about them, especially about the side effects (which can be very harmful for a few people). Make sure you make all the decisions about whether and when to take them, not your psychiatrist, though keep him or her apprised of your decisions. The way to keep the medications from harming you is to stop taking them if they are beginning to harm you.

Sixth, mental support groups in you area might help you. Some are for certain diagnoses, such as Anxiety, Depression, Bi-Polar, etc. But some are for any diagnosis. Recovery Inc. is for any diagnosis (though it is very structured, and you might not like it until you have calmed down some). Do some searching for support groups. Don't try to use your wife as a support group. That's too much for her. She's no expert on mental illness. She has no experience with it. Let others be your support group. Just go, and speak freely. Don't be shy or bashful--that will never help you.

Seventh, about your troubles at work, at your job. If you get diagnosed with a serious mental illness, you can, I think, gain a significant degree of protection from firing if you directly disclose this diagnose to your boss (in a way that documents it--do it in person and by email; perhaps by email first). The Americans With Disabilities Act requires employers to make reasonable accommodation for medical conditions--including psychiatric conditions. Yes, they may for a while treat you like a pariah if you tell them you have Schizophrenia or Bi-Polar or whatever your diagnosis ends up being. But that is still MUCH BETTER than being fired. I know. I have been fired. I wish I had disclosed my mental illness.

Lastly, everything I've said to you applies to me too. I've made a lot of mistakes, caused a lot of suffering. I'm trying to help you avoid suffering for yourself and those you care about. I'm not trying to be harsh to you. I'm not trying to disrespect you. I'm trying to guide you away from where the dangerous currents and sharks are, so to speak.