Was difficult... And this morning particularly traumatic (though for those trying to contact me, I was numb and in a mind set)

Last night I was agitated and pacing up and down the corridor... The weekend had been very stressful and I was ruminating quite a lot... Punched the walls a few times and had blood tricking quite thickly down my fingers from one of my knuckles. One of the nurses was called, gave me an extra dose of diazepam and them sat with me for a while asking questions and getting me to talk about what happened at the weekend.

The diazepam tired me out and I went to bed exhausted.

Woke up agitated again but was keeping things together. Wasn't feeling very safe (depression had kicked in hard though my anxiety was down) and I asked for an escorted walk.

Transpired that on Friday my consultant had changed it so I would now have unescorted walks...

So they let me out on my own... Fixated on suicide. Instead of doing what I was meant to do which was walk on hospital grounds for half an hour... I decided to fulfil my plan (irrational daze) and walked to town which was a 4 mile trek. Before I'd gone my mum had called and I had told her how I felt and what they had said about walks. By the time she called the ward of the danger... I'd already gone.

She kept calling me and I ignored the calls most of the way... Was very determined. Finally answered a call as I got to town and she was screaming at me to go back to the hospital. I said it was pointless, no one gave a crap... Had tried to tell them how I felt and it had fallen on death ears. I relented though and said I'd call the crisis team. Called and a really unhelpful lady said that because I was an inpatient I had been discharged from them and they would not help... That I should go back to hospital or my gp.. I laughed and hung up and then continued into town. As I got to the shops one of the nurses called and kept me engaged in chat enough to talk me down... To come back and to talk to them. She asked me to stay where i was and got a taxi to come pick me up.

On return, the doctors were called to see me and I had a massive chat with them... Was very honest and said that I felt the treatment I was getting was doing nothing, that I shouldn't have come back and wanted to discharge. He advised that he couldn't stop me from doing that but it would be in my best interests to put some faith in them and allow them to help me as best they can till I am better... That he recognised I was pschology minded and that as such he would be more upfront with my treatment so I knew what was going on.

Did put me at ease a bit and I agreed to stay.