So I was able to climb out of the pit slightly on Wednesday. Went from a one on a one to ten scale to a four. So I didn't cry for like four days straight, I could eat more, I could do basic things like shower, make meals for my son, go to the store, etc.

But I'm still depressed. I still have no joy, I'm still unmotivated, I still have crushing anxiety, I still just feel exhausted and sad and down. It sucks. And today I had to go back to work. I was hoping in the two weeks between the regular school year ending and summer school beginning I would magically stabilize while attending partial, but it was not to be. I steadily got worse until it picked up slightly.

Driving home I just felt defeated. I mean I can think more clearly now so I was able to formulate a suicide plan. But then after I realized I'd been planning suicide for the better part of a half hour I was just mad. Like what the hell? I don't want to be this way. But I'm creeping up on six weeks depressed, which for a rapid cycler like me is an eternity. I don't know how some of you long checkers spend months - years - in this state. Except I think I feel it. Do you just get comfortable? Because that's kind of where I feel like I am.

I feel like this is not going to change. I don't have meds left to try, really. ECT might work but if I do that I'll be out of work for weeks, which we can't afford. I don't want the memory loss that comes with it either. I just want to lay on the couch and just give up. Like ok, you got me depression. I'm not going to kill myself because I couldn't do that to my family, so I'm just going to sink into the cushions until I meld to them. Except I get up and go to work. I guess I'll just wait to be fired. That can't be too far off. It's so unfair to my student to have a ****ed up teacher. I bet we could be doing way better stuff if I could handle it.

I'm so tired. I just want to gt better but I'm out of ideas. And motivation. I'm comfortable. I guess that's the worst.