Every single time I come to write down how I am feeling or coping, it comes out differently. One day, I will feel the lowest of lows and not care about myself or anything else. The next day I could be claiming to be finally moving on from the badness and to be feeling like a new me.

I always overthink everything that I say, and if I don’t write it down I give myself more chance to not be honest about how I have been feeling. Every time I am asked a question I think so deeply into the outcome or repercussions of my response that I often just say what I think people want to hear.

I’ve been so over emotional, and had mood swings like crazy – I can wake up and feel okay for a change, to a few hours later feeling flat and wondering how I could have possibly gone from feeling fine that morning to then feeling the complete opposite. The tiniest things seem to set me off crying, even stupid things that nobody would normally cry at. I just seem to be able to set off crying even if I think about something the slightest bit sad. Then if it’s something that actually is sad, my crying is hysterical. It’s like I feel so sad that I can feel it tearing apart the inside of me.

I am starting to have even less energy again and have seemed to have lost interest in everything. I try very hard, but it just seems pointless trying to force myself to be interested in participating in life when I really have just lost interest. It’s like I’m in a bubble on my own. It’s so easy to give in to it and just let it take over, but then it’s so impossible to live with.

Sometimes I feel totally empty, sometimes I feel like I’m not even myself, or a part of my body. It’s like I’m watching myself, or watching the world like I’m not really there. I’m not crazy, it’s just a feeling. I know I am there, it’s just a moment.

I haven’t thought about suicide for a while, I have moments where I think about hurting myself but I can always overcome them. It’s like I don’t even care enough to do that. Doing anything like that would just be too much effort – it’s much easier to just lay and do nothing and let the way I feel take over.

The worst times are where I feel depressed, but still have my energy as if I was happy. Then I get really agitated, can’t keep still and just feel like screaming.

I’m quite in the middle today. I am happy, but still have the low mood in the background, it’s still there. I can function pretty normally today, I think my mood is on the way down because I was really happy yesterday morning but it gradually is starting to go back down. I just feel like I’m going crazy, how can I feel like I’m completely depressed and don’t care about life one day, then a few days later I genuinely will think that it has gone. But it always comes back eventually. I’m just so sick of all of this, I just want to feel like a normal person should feel all the time, because this is just so confusing and I don’t even understand why I feel so low when I do, it’s always for no reason.

My new medication (effexor) has done nothing but make me a bit nauseous and give me headaches, I know it's only been a week though. Any medication before this hasn't worked, and if they can't get something to work in nearly 4 years, I am giving up on hope that they ever will.
I am gradually learning to live with it, to cope. I have people to turn to in the bad times, and another stay in a psych ward is what puts me off attempting anything to harm myself. I just am fed upon just getting by, I want to live properly, not just exist.

Sorry for the long post, I just am getting so fed up and miserable that I needed to vent. I can't open up to my new pdoc, I just can't connect with him in the same way. I feel like just another patient and like he isn't really bothered.