Trying to unravel it all I was just saying what came to mind. Talking about how I'm aware of my defences but struggle to do anything about them.
I said to T, it was like being raised by Hitler and you grew up with all this crap properganda against the "Jews"(a metaphor) and now I struggle to be at ease with the "Jews" - T replied and you find out you were a "Jew" all along.

Yes! When she said that it opened up the ability to think about what was going on growing up in a way that was shut to me without words.

I sat quite enjoying the opening it created and than replied "and now like all Jews, I want to go home to my true home!!

I felt myself leaving my mother's insanity, I could feel the ambivalence I must have struggled with growing up, having to pretend to be someone other than who I was, the mind torture used to create that, the wanting to love my mother but also wanting to be free of her imprisonment and abuse.

My internal prison cell flung open!