Thanks to everyone for being so supportive.

I wish I would have left long ago. Now it seems like this life is all I know. It's like since he can't be so physical anymore, he is either emotionally or verbally abusive or he simply ignores us. He has convinced himself it is mostly me. He rationalizes how I am the problem, now. I mean he really believes it. And to hear him tell it, it sounds true. Many things he says are the truth, just out of context. I am not innocent in any way. I am a difficult person, no doubt. But, that's no excuse for the way he acts.

I am not a beat down woman. I am pissed off and mad as hell and depressed at the same time. It is truly a love/hate relationship.

I think what makes it the hardest for me is that he continues to change over and over. He used to be very jealous and tried to control me. He would act violent and hostile. Then after the attempted suicide, he was of course, sorry and loving and forgiving. Then when I didn't turn into his dream wife, he became cold and bitter and distant. Now he just plain acts like he wishes he'd never met me. He says he should have never been married or had kids.

He just wants me to shut up and leave him alone. I just want a father who loves my children and a husband who loves me and values our relationship. Nothing is sacred in this marriage. He blabs everything and humiliates me.

What's worse is there is a part of him that is really wonderful. The man I married. The one who is my best friend. Then there is the other part who cannot handle a disagreement or misbehaving kids without freaking out. I think the bad beat up the good and controls him, too.

He says the kids don't listen to him and have no respect for him because of the way they see me treat him and how I don't let him be a parent without intervening. I believe the relationship he has with them is between them. If what he said was true, they wouldn't have respect for me and would be trying to bully me around to get their way.

Is it unrealistic to want a loving marriage where you cherish eachother and work things through as a couple? Where no one uses physical violence to get their way? Maybe after you've treated eachother so terrible and said unforgiveable things, it cannot be repaired.

It just feels hopeless.