I'm sorry you're dealing with this nightmare. It sounds awful for you to have to deal with!

My advice to you is to get counseling for yourself. There is absolutely nothing you can to do change your family- I think that's pretty clear. The only thing you CAN impact is your own self. There comes a point when you just throw your hands up in the air and say "ok, I did my best." I know it's hard not to try to do something about your dysfunctional family. Believe me, I relate. I worry a lot about my family as well. My therapist has been working with me for VERY long time at trying to help me get past the feelings that I need to try to save them or help them see that they need to pull their heads out and save themselves. I'm wasting my breath, and I know that. Still, I have often times felt compulsively driven to try to open their eyes. It's just not going to happen, and I'm afraid the same is true for your family.

You don't have to give any indication of supporting the way things are. I think you've made it clear that you don't. You can choose to love your family regardless, but without condoning the way they choose to live their lives. Kind of a "hate the sin, but love the sinner" mentality- not to imply that your family is sinning, of course! And I think that's the best you can do. Also, educating your own family that this is NOT a healthy way to live and that you and your children will not be living this way. I think that depends on the age of your children and their ability to understand. But if they are exposed to this dysfunction, I do reccomend going out of your way to make sure they understand that it isn't healthy or normal, but that your family are still your family and still worthy of love.

I hope this doesn't offend, but it sounds to me like you're suffering from enmeshment. Being too enmeshed in the lives of your mom, dad, and brother. I can relate to this, like I said, so I'm not going to pass judgment on you. And it is good of you to care. But you have to care for yourself first. Again, I highly reccomend getting counseling of your own in dealing with this!!!

Good luck!! And, btw, welcome to psychcentral!!

Angela (SweetCrusader)

-comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable-