I am learning so much from all of you. Speaking of comforting behavior or things.... I rocked on my hand and knees when I was a child and head banged to get to sleep. Then it progressed to rocking in a rocking chair and to this day, I am constantly rocking in a rocking chair. I know this is self soothing behavior. This tells me I was neglected as a child. I was also invalidated as a person by both my mother and brother. Fathers were absent. So I am ok if I get diagnosed with BPD. I do have emotional trauma so I am in need of therapy for sure. It is never too late to work on issues no matter how long ago they happened.

Getting older has had it's positives for me as time tended to mature me a bit. I know I am not the same person I was at 20 or 30. In fact, I think my symptoms of BPD were more severe. No self harm or suicidal stuff but I was very clingy with friends and this was a real problem. Now I just handle things differently. I still have many issues with avoidance of relationships but without acting out. I am still a sick puppy in my opinion, but if it is any consolation, at least with me, age has toned me down in some respects.