I put a warning on this just bec I know this issue can make some people very angry. Sorry. I'm trying to work thru it. I came here for help.

This is my first real post & I'm very afraid im going to be ripped apart. If you do I totally understand...in theory.

I've always made up stories in my life. Yes lies. Sometimes just to get more attention from others. I played a lot in a fantasy world & used to blur the lines of fantasy & reality. I still have that problem today where I have to stop & ask myself,"is this really true or are you making it up."
I've been treated for MDD for 26 yrs. 2 yrs ago i was diagnosed w/PTSD. I know that some of the symptoms I exaggerated bec I wanted to make sure I got that diagnosis. I was, truly, molested by a family member when I was younger t & then by a friend when I was older. But to me they didn't seem bad enough so I took the basic story & added a lot of lies to it. Why? I'm not really sure.
I've grown attached to my T a great deal in 2 yrs. I like the attention she gives me & that she ...basically feels bad for me & everything I went thru. Im sure the words selfish, attention seeker, bser come to mind. So now I have these elaborate stories I've created in T & I keep adding to them. Sometimes I think if I add another wrinkle that'll keep her interested in me & I'll get the attention I'm craving. I'm a very good actor. I can whip up tears easily. We work in IFS & sometimes I think I'm saying different things from different parts maybe to get my T thinking I might have DID. Yes I'm extremely embarrassed over this & know that people are probably disgusted w/me.

We're doing emdr now on memories that don't exist. But sometimes the false memories feel so real I wonder if it did really happen...but I know they didn't. So the emdr is a waste bec I'm not processing anything real. I'm processing these elaborate stories to keep my T attention on me.

I also fake nightmares to keep my mate guessing. I say that I dissociate...but I really don't. I say I lose time, but I really don't. I say I have all these problems & I really don't have these huge problems. I guess I see my problems as small & uninteresting.
I'm older now & know I should t be playing these games esp w/professionals knowing that the time that's spent w/me could go to someone else that really needs it. I'm embarrassed, ashamed & disgusted w/myself over this. I've created this huge false world & now feel trapped in it. I'm deathly afraid to tell my T this thinking that I don't really need the help & will ask me to leave. I don't think I could ever look her in the eye or sit on the couch across from her again if she knew all the lies I've told her. She invested her time into me & said she'd help me & I'd be throwing that help back in her face.

I know I'm a very bad person. I understand that. But my question is why do I do this to my life. This isn't the first time I've gotten lost in a fantasy. Am I that desperate for self pity? Why would someone do this? What's wrong w/me? My life has become so boring & I'm so terribly lonely that making this stuff up makes me feel special. I'm not special to anyone & when I get the "you poor dear..." Look from my T I feel special.
So please be honest w/ your replies. If you want to chew me out maybe I need to hear that...but I'm desperately looking for answers of why & what kind of person I am. Am I a pathological liar? I'm not even sure of what that is.
Please help me!
Thank you