I can't even imagine how much pain this might be causing you. It comes through in your words.

What if you told the truth and still received caring and empathy and sympathy? That seems like a path to healing.

I don't think anyone needs to beat you up because you're doing it enough to yourself already.

I personally feel very betrayed when people lie to me. The therapist might feel that but might also realize that you're in a lot of pain to tell so many tales.

I think you are afraid of losing your therapist. At the same time, you two have a bond that you can't truly trust or rely upon because you are afraid that if she knew the real you, that bond would be shattered.

Ideally, I would consult a second therapist about this to find out how to handle it and how to bring it up with the first therapist. Of course, that's a lot of extra time and money and both of those are scarce.

I'm interested in knowing how you handle this.