It's funny because I can talk to my family about being bipolar without really believing it myself, or at least not wanting to admit it. It started off as mood swings as a teenager which everyone thought was normal, but the anger, and the depression lasted, and with the depression it was getting too extreme and I couldn't cope with the suicidal thoughts, occasional racing thoughts etc. I went to the doctor, she thought it was mild depression, then I went hypomanic, got a referral to a psychiatrist. Around late last year I started to get bizarre delusions and paranoia. The mania subsided at the start of this year, but the delusions contined for awhile longer. Then I just crashed into the worst depression I've had so far.

Now I'm just very anxious/depressed but not as bad as before. I've been prescribed meds but I'm too scared to take them because of the side effects, and I've been functioning so long like this I don't know how not to if that makes sense. I don't want to think I'm ill, I don't want to have to take meds, I feel like saying to people 'just give me enough time to be able to pull it together and I will' although that's getting harder particularly with the depression. I think I had a pdoc appointment but I missed it and didn't tell anyone because I shouldn't be seeing a psychiatrist, I really just need to get on with things. I feel bad about it, but no one's contacted me and I think they think I've started meds so they might all leave me alone now .

Sorry for how long this is.