Chartres that's really brave to share that. I think these people in caring positions bring out some very particular reactions because we are so vulnerable around them and we don't know what to do with people who are really caring.

I'll share with you a very odd reaction I had to my physiotherapist the other day. a much older, very authoritative man who stood at the end of the bed and held my feet and said to me 'you're in the right place, we are going to take you seriously and we are going to look after you'. I fell apart, I almost jumped on him on the spot and then I nearly cried. I thought about him all week in various guises. This is what I didn't have from my dad - his abuse was all uber secret, very covert and manipulative and not bossy but quietly coercive - this is good for you. He also never cared for me, parented authoritatively or showed any interest in me after a certain age (12). I have never known how to respond to men who show care to me without it being sexual. I also have a terrible association with sex and gratitude. As in I should be grateful for that experience whether it is pleasurable or painful, and I must say thank you, thank you, over and over. These are the phrases that I go to in my ASF that I am battling.

The next time I saw the physio he'd forgotten me and I couldn't have been less interested in him! but the reaction was soooo strong that it took me aback and reminded me in no uncertain terms that I was not ok with myself and I needed to keep working on it.