So... a bit of a back story. My best friend (and as of April, roommate) recommended her therapist to me, who I have been seeing for about a year. She started seeing him almost ten years ago when she was in the mental hospital, and he was an intern. After he got his own practice established, she saw him on and off to "fix" her problems.

Anyway. As some of you may know here, I've been dealing with intense feelings for my T, romantic and otherwise. It's been rough the past couple of sessions, but we have been trying to work through it, by me being more open and willing to discuss certain things.

My main reason for this post was just to state that my friend (mentioned above) saw my T yesterday for the first time in over a year. I knew she was going to go back to him, but wasn't sure just how soon. This is her first appointment with him since we've been living together. Already I was a bit jealous, but didn't say anything. After all, she's the one that referred me to this wonderful man!

She told me that she showed him her stand-up comedy routine. She's been getting really into it lately and I have showed nothing but support for it. I too have been trying to find new activities and things to do around town, so I'm accompanying her on a lot of these outings. Apparently, he was really interested that she is doing this, because he used to do stand-up in the 80s, as well as had written a book on the subject (yes, he's one of those people that has done EVERYTHING under the sun before he was 40 years old).

They didn't get to finish the whole recording, but he wanted her to e-mail him the rest so that he could critique it and give her honest feedback. So, first of all, when I was texting him a few months back, asking him for his e-mail address so that I could start getting some feelings about him off my chest, he didn't even respond or address it. He didn't want to give it to me. I guess he thought texting should suffice. Either way, I was hurt when I found out he would so freely give it to her, and not to me. He knows we live together. I could easily gain access to it, though I would NEVER use it.

When she got home, all she could do was GUSH about him to me, saying he's so amazing. She wanted to google him, and I causally told her, "Oh you probably won't find anything. He's a therapist! He keeps that **** hidden." She has no clue how extensively I've googled him. I've found a lot of things. (his Facebook, knowledge about his girlfriend, etc) I've had to keep my feelings about him hidden for awhile now. It's like this big secret I'm carrying around. I know she would be furious if she found out I have feelings for him. It's the one thing I've never been able to discuss with her, cause she wouldn't understand.

Also, isn't it a bit strange for a therapist to give a client of his critical feedback on her comedy routine? Like, boundary-wise? What if he hates it? I just feel that it has nothing to do with therapy. I guess I'm also just worried that...what if he is this wonderful and amazing with all of his patients? The thing I've loved about his is that he always made me feel special and important. Now I see he's already becoming buddy-buddy with my friend, and again, it bothers me.

I don't know how often she will continue to see him, if at all. I'm sure him and I have a more close relationship than they do, but still I feel kind of like a fool. I feel stupid for having developed feelings for someone that apparently is nice and awesome to everyone.

Our last session was horrible, as I've posted about previously. I would like to make amends, but sometimes I wonder if I'm just too plain emotional about all of this. I almost feel like he's being so nice to her to bother me, though I'm sure that is just paranoia/projection. I do that a lot.

Anyway, what do you guys think? Should I stop being so jealous of my friend? Should I make the most of what my T and I DO have, regardless of what he does for other clients? Obviously there are things he would do for my friend that he wouldn't do for me, because of my romantic/erotic transference feelings for him.