I’ve thought about suicide today. I tell everyone that I am improving, that the thoughts have gone, but they always sneak back in. I spend a lot of my time feeling empty now, I can just sit and stare into space and feel nothing. I don’t see the point in trying.

My head is all over the place. I just don’t know how I feel right now- a mixture of everything. I spent my morning thinking about suicide, then about getting everything done at work for a couple of months ahead so they don’t lose out in my absence. Then about seeing family and friends, making sure I tell them I love them and give them a big hug. It’s my birthday on Friday so I’ll have an excuse. Then part of me is horrified at myself for thinking like that. I spend my life terrified of losing people and then I think of doing that! I’m so ashamed. Since my cousin died a few months ago I feel such guilt when I think about suicide. We were the same age and he had his life taken away from him, and there I am still thinking about taking mine away even after that, and even after seeing what it put everyone through, it was so horrible. I know how bad it affected me, why would I willingly want to make anyone feel like that!

I don’t like being left on my own, I feel like I need someone constantly with me and to distract me. When I’m stuck on my own inside my head I just get worse. My trouble is that I overthink everything, I overthink what everyone says, I overthink what I say before I even say it. I feel like I’m going crazy.

I’m having such terrible mood swings. One minute I feel great, the next I want to die. I’m feeling both at the minute if that’s possible. It’s like I still feel hopelessly depressed, but at the same time I feel like I’m running in fast forward and like my energy is back. I hate this mood because it makes me feel like I need to just do something. Being sat here at work makes me so agitated.