I have a question, and a reason to why I have joined this site. I'm really not a blogger, but I can't find the time to reach out to a professional about the problems I've been having. I've been in a relationship with my boyfriend, or ex boyfriend- I don't even know at this point for over a year. In the beginning he was perfect, sounds cliche but I got out of a relationship where my boyfriend was so insecure with himself it really affected our relationship but I managed to finally get out. I was alone for a year, collecting my thoughts, building myself up again. Then I met my most recent boyfriend, and he came off as a very quiet, funny, reserved, secure and confident man. Then as time went on, I soon realized and began to notice how every thing little bothered him, even events before me and him had met. He would turn the littlest matters into the biggest, and a fight was never a fight. He always fought with me bringing me down, discouraging me, using my past against me, the way I grew up, the location I grew up in, my attitude, my family, my childhood, and everything else. I can't deny, I do have a temper, I do have an attitude, but I truly believe I'm very reasonable. Of course being human I will act out of character but I am never in denial with myself and if I'm proven wrong, I have no problem fixing my mistakes. I recently found out my boyfriend and a girl who I thought was my bestfriend, they had sex before me and my boyfriend got serious, and throughout our relationship I had always questioned that factor and they both denied it. Until about 3 weeks ago when once again my boyfriend was breaking up with me and he spilled the beans. I was so hurt, I felt so foolish and so betrayed, but I felt more betrayed by my girlfriend considering I trusted her with my life and I always thought it was likewise. So I forgave him of course, with him promising me he would help me heal and give it time.. but any little minor event after that he used everything against me. He calls me names, he brings me down to the point I feel worthless. I wanted to just end my life because he made me feel as if I wasn't good enough. I know it sounds cliche once again, but in my defense, I feel like I try so hard to make it work, I accommodate it all to him, and still we fail. Though he's the one that makes me feel worthless, everytime I try to express myself he takes it the wrong way and ends up breaking up with me saying I'm the reason to the closure, and I ruined his life. I'm not loyal, I'm a liar, I'm this I'm that. I know I'm not perfect and I have told white lies because he had threatened me numerous times if this and that happened, then he'd end it with me so the fear of losing him I had told white lies. But those white lies were never ones to hurt him if or when he found out. I'm struggling because at this point we are over again. Whenever he comes back into my life he's always so genuinely sorry and he knows exactly what to say to make me feel like I want it again, and after all I do love him. Here and there slightly he's mentioned him having OCD and his behaviours with certain things definitely does make sense, but I am not an expert to put that label on him. I don't know what to think I don't know what to do. I just need to know if I really am the problem... I don't know why no matter how hard genuinely I try it's not working. Countless times he'll mention the same thing over and over as if we never talked about it, or fought about it, and his excuse is he wants me to be sorry, but how many times do I need to be sorry in 1 day over the same thing? How many times do I need to be sorry for what happened 1 year ago? What about his sorrys that he caused me lying to me for a year and me finding out he had sex with my bestfriend. Please help me find a comfort in not being in this relationship anymore because as much as I am miserable I do love him, but I need to know this is not a normal relationship. Its hard to tell myself that over and over. the message doesn't get through to me. I feel worthless, I feel hopeless.. I feel like I keep trying and nothing is progressing and he convinces me it's because of me, and I'm not good enough, and that I don't deserve him.. Please respond, please help me.