Thank you everyone who took their time to reply back to my concerns. Thank you everyone who sent me cyber hugs.

As an update I'm doing better. The thoughts are still there and I'm finding ways to not feed into the impulses. I met with my therapists today and she was so annoying when all I wanted was for her to listen to me. She was so quick to tell me what to do, warning me of all the health hazards of have an ED. I've lived with an ED for so long that I understand it intellectually of what this ED does to my body and why I use it as a coping method. What I'm struggling with is connecting with my emotions and my desires of not wanting to quit. It doesn't scare me that my teeth and gums can rot, my hair can fall off, I can scar my throat. At this moment in time nothing is worthwhile compared to the instant gratification of the having some sense of control in my life, the aftermath of the endorphins running through my body where every shuts down. In that moment of B&P, everything in my life is at a standstill, the numbing can outdo any other coping style in trying to handle my life's stress.