So, last night was tricky. Well, it simply didn't go as swimmingly as before. I had to stop activity twice. My body was getting the pressure cooker swelling feeling (specifically "down there"), I felt pulling and grabbing sensations (not actually happening, but reminiscent of the early stages of abuse when it was disguised as "playing") and it became so intense that I had to stop the activity. The upside is that I didn't just leave my body and engage in ASF to cope with the activity, which is what I believe I was doing previously to deal with uncomfortable sensations/thoughts/feelings. My partner was great about it - an obvious bonus.

So, I used the voice of my new-found-ownership-of-my-sexuality to express my discomfort, my partner knows it is not anything to do with how or what he was doing, and we just moved onto other things.

I did experience a new feeling though - I felt very vulnerable when we had intercourse, which is new (or at least unrecognised up to this point - remember I have only just become aware that I was "leaving" during intercourse also). This one is a double-edged sword, I don't want fear in my sex life, but at the same time, my new awareness and connection to my real feelings during sexual activity are providing me with the opportunity to process them once and for all, instead of dissociating from them through ASF.

So, my perfectionista is stomping her feet and singing songs of failure, but my wounded healer is assuring me its all part of the process of healing.

Hope everyone who is also taking this journey is managing. Don't forget, I would love to hear how you are going with it, this thread is for you too, if you wish to talk about it.