Quote:
Originally Posted by bigjellybelly
Well done for not leaving your body to cope.
And oddly, well done for stopping activity. I find this the hardest thing. I still think I should just do it, as a default position. That it's down to me to find a way to enjoy it or tolerate it or cope with it, whether I want to or not. To try to get myself to want to rather than to just accept I might not want to.
This is going to be difficult for us because I haven't yet explained the intricacies of how I feel about this to my partner (although he does understand the seriousness of what I am dealing with) because he may struggle to know what to do about it - I suspect he will be so terrified of upsetting me that he will make a rule for himself not to do anything at all. Which would be very sad because he is far more inclined to show me physically that he loves me or is attracted to me or is grateful for my support or help or even a nice day out or whatever than to tell me verbally, which he struggles with. I will have to find a very literal but very affirming phrase to use.
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Yes, I understand. I think we are so accustomed to meeting another's needs, and another being in control of our body against our wishes (and that includes when we did not have the capacity to give informed consent, not just force) that we have lost a sense of sex being for US too. I think that by acting more assertively (but gently in our expression to our partners) it will become more natural. I believe we may be, in a sense, rewiring an interrupted developmental stage - the part where the child realises and protects its separateness from others.
I see how tricky it could be to try and avoid upsetting your partner. My understanding of Asperger's is that it leads to problems in understanding and managing social interaction, so yes, I think this will require some deep thought. This may sound silly, but something I have found to be very helpful when communication with a partner is difficult is to write letters to each other. I also find it helpful to organise my own thoughts and communicate more clearly when I am struggling to do so verbally - might be worth trying this with your partner?
I think though that if you talk about it, tell him you may need to stop, and assure him it will not be his fault, and help him understand what you are experiencing, then it shouldn't be too risky "in the heat of the moment". My concern was that it would kill the experience and we'd have to stop everything, but it hasn't, I just use a short statement/question, eg., "I'd like to do something else, is that OK?" and then move immediately on (explaining what happened in that moment can be done "after", as long as it's not too distressing). But, we did have a deep talk about it first, so that would be my starting point, so that it doesn't come out of the blue and that there isn't much room for him to take it personally (because he knows what you are working on).
I guess my partner and I also see it as us against the baddies, so we are viewing it as something "we" are working on - I think this helps him to feel involved and active in the process with me, and avoids him feeling helpless and disconnected from me.